Poly Notes Pt.8 - Flip The Script
THE SUBLIME SPIRITUALITY AND LIBERATION OF RELATIONSHIP ANARCHY
During a discussion about polyamory, a friend asked me, “How do you manage all these women?” It was shockingly brave, or foolhardy, for him to ask while we were in mixed company, as evidenced by the look on the women’s faces. I said, “First of all, I’m not trying to ‘manage’ anyone. Couldn’t if I tried. The only person I need to manage is myself. Second, sounds like you’re asking about hierarchy, which is a pretty old-school monogamy way of thinking about relationships.”
In “Poly Notes Pt.7 - Non-Monogamy As Spiritual Practice” I very briefly referenced the Relationship Escalator. It’s the traditional set of steps and societal expectations for romantic relationships: casually dating one or more people at the same time; exclusively dating one of them; cohabitation; marriage; house; kids; ‘til death do us part. The order of the steps in the middle is flexible, some optional.
Regardless, the goal is to find that one person to achieve a permanently monogamous (i.e. sexually and romantically exclusive) relationship for the rest of your life because society and centuries of cultural conditioning tell us that it’s what’s best for everyone (amatonormativity). The Escalator becomes a gauge of whether a developing intimate relationship is significant, “serious,” good, healthy, committed, or worth pursuing or continuing.
My friend’s question undoubtedly arose from his internalized mononormative belief that among my partners, someone needed to be prioritized. Or at the very least, how do I decide who to do what with?
Enter Relationship Anarchy (RA).
