Poly Notes Pt.6 - Unplug The Label Maker

THOUGHTS ON BELONGING AND NOT GETTING LOST IN THE LABELS THAT HELPED US FIND OURSELVES

[This your first Poly Note? Catch up with Parts 1-4 on my blog and Pt.5 here on Necessary Trouble]

We’ve known for millennia that we need to belong to survive. More than that, we need to belong to thrive. We simply can’t go it alone. Our need to belong is so great that we are often willing to compromise parts of ourselves to feel connected to others. Some concessions are slight: I’ll watch this movie with my friend(s) or partner(s) even though I don’t really like it; I’ll go somewhere with my friend(s) or partner(s) even though I’d rather stay home. Sometimes we give up much more: I’ll attend this church or spiritual community or join this club even though I have to keep parts of my life private hidden because I suspect they would disapprove.

We don’t always start with conceding though. We might feel like we belong at the beginning, but we change over time and the fit isn’t as comfortable as it used to be. We stay anyway, not realizing we’ve conflated fitting in with belonging. In my experience, fitting in is what I do, how I shape, reshape, and portray myself to gain admission and membership. Belonging is what I feel when they let me fit in, when they accept me, when they value me and what I bring, when they let me know I am one of them. When we feel we belong, we feel loved, safe, settled, whole.

And then we change. It might be a subtle shift or a wholesale makeover. It might be driven by external circumstances beyond our control or an inner awakening to parts of ourselves that always existed, that refuse to be controlled. Regardless, we now have to figure out who we are. That can be a time of fearful uncertainty. Doubts about ourselves and others arise. Who is safe to tell? When do we tell? Did they see the change? Will I still fit? Will I still belong?